UPDATE: John Cena is Still Alive

This image of Cena undergoing elbow surgery in 2013 is one of the red herrings leading folks to suspect that the wrestler had died last week

A week ago, I noticed that an unusual number of people had come to The News Wheel looking for news regarding WWE Superstar John Cena’s purported demise in a car accident . I then wrote a post refuting that particular rumor, even going so far as to include a Vine from that very same morning of Cena squatting just a stupid amount of weight (and with a full range of motion, no less).

… https://t.co/58SITVnrre
— John Cena (@JohnCena)
March 4, 2015

This post somehow went viral, racking up hundreds of thousands of views around the world. Even today, dozens and dozens of readers in New Delhi, Granada, Mumbai, Pune, and Bengalaru are perusing the original blog in the hopes of determining whether their shining star John Felix Anthony Cena is still alive. (Spoiler: he is.) Yet, despite clear and present evidence that John Cena did not die in a car accident in 2012 (or in 2015, for that matter), the post continues to get comment after comment asking if Cena is dead or alive (also, comments that are somehow under the impression that I am John Cena; I am decidedly not John Cena). Given that it’s been a week, and that a whole lot of dying (or not dying) could take place over the course of seven days, I figure it best to alleviate these concerns once again (and shamelessly attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle). As of 11:00am EST on Tuesday, March 10 , 2015, John Cena remains completely and unequivocally not dead. For further evidence that he was not dead as of Monday night, please see the following video of him putting a whupping on Rusev and finally getting his return match for the U.S. Title at Wrestlemania:

It is entirely possible that, in some fractured universe on some alternate plane of existence, John Cena did not
survive the rather insubstantial accident that claimed the  life of one Chevy Bowtie badge on March 19 , 2012. It’s entirely possible that he did not go on to wrestle Mark Henry that same night, and that he did not then go on to have a “once in a lifetime” match against The Rock at
Wrestlemania that year. (This would then mean that wrestling fans would not be treated to that same “once in a lifetime” matchup again the following year, which might actually have resulted in CM Punk sticking around for another couple of years or so.)

It is entirely possible that in some dimension beyond our comprehension, non-canon John Cena (Earth-62123 Cena) has not spent the last three years living and wrestling (sports-entertaining) and kind of being a toolbag on Total
Divas because he perished in some manner of carb accident. It would be a dimension in which Cena would have never inexplicably beaten Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania and killed his momentum almost entirely, and one in which he would not stand on the precipice of defeating the evil Rusev and defending the honor of AMERICA.